The Women in My Head

I have two children, both girls, both adults now.  I will call them Princess Leia and Wonder Woman, you know... the first and the last. Haha. Anyway, when Princess Leia was in high school and she did something silly. She would tell me that "the Blondes" were in charge on any given day. Upon further investigation into the mind of my imagination rich daughter, I found out she liked to believe she had a group of blondes, a group of brunettes, and a fiery red head (cause you only need one) who were in charge of her brain on any given day. The blondes were silly, playful and carefree. The brunettes were serious, smart, and business-like. The red head, well she was fiery and feisty (things Princess Leia wanted to be but did not believe she was). More often than not the blondes and brunettes ganged up on the red head and locked her in a closest. Then they would proceed to war over who would run the show.  It was anyone's game and everyday was a new opportunity to be in charge. Now, she knows that none of this is true. She is also very aware of the serious amount of stereo-typing involved (we have a family full of awesome women of every hair color). This though is what helped her to understand that she, as a woman, is a very complex being.

I believe most people would agree with the complexity of women as evidenced by this meme I have seen floating around the internet and Pinterest:

It even went so far as to say this is a condensed version. It is ok to laugh...it's funny. We are complex. We are unpredictable. We are soft and we are hard. We are quiet and we are loud. Sometimes we laugh. Sometimes we yell. Sometimes we cry.  And when we are really ticked, we go silent. We experience every degree of emotion, sometimes within minutes. We think about everything at one time. We see and know the name of every color from Crimson to Violet (that's red and purple for you men folk).  

Speaking of men, I have had a number of them tell me they are glad, in fact they thank God they are not women. That's a good thing. We need men; strong, sweaty, simple, handsome, smart, gentlemanly, bug-killing, handy men. Men need women and women need men. That's just the way it is and the sooner we figure that out the better everyone will be. 

I am telling you all of this for a reason. I want you to know about a book we in my Bible study group have been reading. Now before I tell you the name, I am going to warn you. If you are religious, old fashioned, and not ready to be real with yourself and others, stop reading. You will not be interested in this book; it's not for you.  

That said, this is the book:

So far it has been wonderful. It truly is opening us up to see beauty within and grace for every part of each of us. While you are reading it feels like someone has gotten a hold of your private thoughts and written them down. It cuts. It heals. It exposes. It covers. 

Beauty and the Bitch: Grace for the Worst of Me (Amazon) I have included a link in case your are interested. The Kindle version is only like 6 bucks. I love my Kindle by the way! We are going to keep reading and see where it goes and I hope you will check it out too. Tell me what you think. 

"In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." - Albert Camus

Choices

I am sick to my stomach today. You wanna know why? It is this crap about living like you're gonna die young. I have had so many conversations through the years with people who have this attitude. Apparently Ke$ha thinks it's such a good idea she sings about it in a catchy song.

Do you know how many twenty, thirty, forty even fifty-somethings (and even older) out there believed they were gonna die young and are not dead yet? A lot, that's how many. Do you know how many did die young, or are dying young, and wish they could have lived to be old? A lot, dare I say most.

The belief about dying young is just code for "I want to be irresponsible and not have to wake up and face the reality I created with all my bad irresponsible choices". Yes I said CHOICES.

Guess what? The choices you make in your life are just that, YOUR CHOICES. You cannot truly stand and say it was someone else's fault when you leave a wake of destruction behind you as a result of choices you make. Honestly chances are really good you will live to be much much older than you are right now, even with all your bad choices. One day you are going to have to stand up and say "yes, I did ____" and "no, I did not do ____". You will have to own it. It's on you. Period.

I think this is the real reason people want to believe there is no heaven or hell, because if there is then death will not even keep you from facing choices you make. All I will say about that is "WHAT A HUGE GAMBLE". There is way too much evidence to speak of an afterlife to think that death is any kind of an escape. But if you are willing to take the risk, go ahead.

As far as life goes, keep in mind, you are not the only one who pays for your choices. You are the sower/planter of them and you will reap their fruit; remember though, others will eat of their fruit as well. You, your parents, your spouse,  your siblings, your children, your friends, your co-workers, and your victims will all in some way taste the fruit of your choices. Wait did I say VICTIMS? Yes, yes I did! Your bad choices may/will lead to many different scenarios in which you will leave victims behind. I know that's hard to chew on because in this selfish attitude about living like you're gonna die young is the inherent belief that you are the only one affected by your choices. That is a a HUGE LIE. Stop believing this insanity. You are not an island. You do not live in a bubble You are not alone.

Your life touches so many people. Your choices matter. Your life matters. YOU MATTER!!!!!

I will leave with this: May your days be long and your choices wise! 

Love me, Like me, Hate me, Reject me

I started this blog months ago with visions of writing all of my thoughts and wise words to share with the world only to realize my huge fear of letting anyone in to see the real me.

I am not a neat little package all wrapped up with a bow. My paper tears, wrinkles, and sometimes runs short. Bow...what bow? it must have fallen of in the car.

I am not the prim and proper little girl with a frilly, lacy dress and good manners. Frilly, lacy dresses ITCH and good manners tend to be for someone trying to sell you something while trying to make you feel warm and fuzzy.

I am not the sophisticated, well-spoken, demure woman of God I thought I should be. I have challenging questions, thoughts and revelations that make me and everyone else uncomfortable. I have said 'crap" from the pulpit in church, and people are lucky I didn't say worse.  I love God and He loves me, but we sometimes have words and it's not always pretty.

I can be all of the above things if I have to be, but it is hard work that ends up leaving me feeling tired, empty and alone with a very real  "me" that no one really knows.

Honestly, I am a mess. I am 43 years old with screwed up hormones, an empty nest, an identity crisis, and a sack of stories I am afraid to tell for fear of the back-lash. I have spent so many years trying to say and do the acceptable things so that no one would "talk" about me, but I found out they talked about me anyway. I have worried when it seemed some people did not like or accept me no matter what I did, and then I realized I didn't really like the ones I was worried about that much anyway.

I know you aren't supposed to not like people, and I know people say you can love them but you don't have to like them. That is a bunch of bull. It is terribly difficult to love someone you do not like, so stop trying to be so spiritual about it.  Maybe it isn't about liking or not liking people as much as realizing who you should and should not let have serious influence in your life. Maybe just maybe it is ok to have different levels of relationships in your life with different people. Maybe it is ok to have boundaries and to make choices on who to allow on the property of your life.

So this is me trying to just be me. Love me, like me, hate me, reject me; that is up to you. I need to be myself regardless of the outcome. I have to start loving me. I have to start accepting me. It ultimately doesn't matter if anyone else does.