Validation

Validation

It is a powerful concept.

How much of what we say and do feeds on validation?

Do you post on social media and then wait patiently not so patiently for those notifications to roll in of likes and comments? Do you get upset when there aren't any or even worse, someone disagrees with you or your opinion?

We live in a technological age that is allowing us to share intentionally, and sometimes unintentionally, our opinions in a very large crowded room. This can be a very uncomfortable feeling.

Most of us have grown up with a very small audience to our opinions. Sure, our brothers and sisters disagreed with us, but we fought and moved on. We've disagreed with our parents, but hey they gave birth to us so we give them the benefit of the doubt. Friends, well we tend to keep the ones that agree and toss the ones that don't. That is unless we really like them, then we overlook some things.

But the internet ... it's a very large room full of strangers and not so strangers.

You like an article or post a status. It pops up in someone's feed and they don't like it. (Read, they don't like me.) Or they leave a comment. Quick check! are they agreeing or disagreeing? OH NO, they disagree! If it's someone we know they may lecture us on how wrong we are for "agreeing" with such a thing. If it's someone we don't know they may tell us all the reasons we are wrong and call us a "douche-canoe" (or some other fun insult).

Invalidated.

Depressed.

Angry.

Unsettled.

Pick one or make up your own. It happens to us all at some point.

Guess what? Your opinion is just that, your's. You can have it. You don't need anyone to agree with it. Agreement is not necessary for validation. You are a person. You have a brain and a heart. You are valid. Did you hear me?

YOU ARE VALID! 

Your opinion may be right. Your opinion may be wrong. It does not change your validation status.  If you believe something, have the courage and conviction to not need everyone else's agreement. You do not need everyone to tell you are OK or right. If you do, then it is time to really reevaluate what you believe.

Maybe it's time for an opinion check. Do a little research. Hear some people out on why they feel the way they do. Pray. Read. Sit quietly with yourself and figure out who you are and why you believe the things you do. You may just find that validation you searched so hard for in other people's approval when you finally approve of yourself.

The Women in My Head

I have two children, both girls, both adults now.  I will call them Princess Leia and Wonder Woman, you know... the first and the last. Haha. Anyway, when Princess Leia was in high school and she did something silly. She would tell me that "the Blondes" were in charge on any given day. Upon further investigation into the mind of my imagination rich daughter, I found out she liked to believe she had a group of blondes, a group of brunettes, and a fiery red head (cause you only need one) who were in charge of her brain on any given day. The blondes were silly, playful and carefree. The brunettes were serious, smart, and business-like. The red head, well she was fiery and feisty (things Princess Leia wanted to be but did not believe she was). More often than not the blondes and brunettes ganged up on the red head and locked her in a closest. Then they would proceed to war over who would run the show.  It was anyone's game and everyday was a new opportunity to be in charge. Now, she knows that none of this is true. She is also very aware of the serious amount of stereo-typing involved (we have a family full of awesome women of every hair color). This though is what helped her to understand that she, as a woman, is a very complex being.

I believe most people would agree with the complexity of women as evidenced by this meme I have seen floating around the internet and Pinterest:

It even went so far as to say this is a condensed version. It is ok to laugh...it's funny. We are complex. We are unpredictable. We are soft and we are hard. We are quiet and we are loud. Sometimes we laugh. Sometimes we yell. Sometimes we cry.  And when we are really ticked, we go silent. We experience every degree of emotion, sometimes within minutes. We think about everything at one time. We see and know the name of every color from Crimson to Violet (that's red and purple for you men folk).  

Speaking of men, I have had a number of them tell me they are glad, in fact they thank God they are not women. That's a good thing. We need men; strong, sweaty, simple, handsome, smart, gentlemanly, bug-killing, handy men. Men need women and women need men. That's just the way it is and the sooner we figure that out the better everyone will be. 

I am telling you all of this for a reason. I want you to know about a book we in my Bible study group have been reading. Now before I tell you the name, I am going to warn you. If you are religious, old fashioned, and not ready to be real with yourself and others, stop reading. You will not be interested in this book; it's not for you.  

That said, this is the book:

So far it has been wonderful. It truly is opening us up to see beauty within and grace for every part of each of us. While you are reading it feels like someone has gotten a hold of your private thoughts and written them down. It cuts. It heals. It exposes. It covers. 

Beauty and the Bitch: Grace for the Worst of Me (Amazon) I have included a link in case your are interested. The Kindle version is only like 6 bucks. I love my Kindle by the way! We are going to keep reading and see where it goes and I hope you will check it out too. Tell me what you think. 

"In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." - Albert Camus

Love me, Like me, Hate me, Reject me

I started this blog months ago with visions of writing all of my thoughts and wise words to share with the world only to realize my huge fear of letting anyone in to see the real me.

I am not a neat little package all wrapped up with a bow. My paper tears, wrinkles, and sometimes runs short. Bow...what bow? it must have fallen of in the car.

I am not the prim and proper little girl with a frilly, lacy dress and good manners. Frilly, lacy dresses ITCH and good manners tend to be for someone trying to sell you something while trying to make you feel warm and fuzzy.

I am not the sophisticated, well-spoken, demure woman of God I thought I should be. I have challenging questions, thoughts and revelations that make me and everyone else uncomfortable. I have said 'crap" from the pulpit in church, and people are lucky I didn't say worse.  I love God and He loves me, but we sometimes have words and it's not always pretty.

I can be all of the above things if I have to be, but it is hard work that ends up leaving me feeling tired, empty and alone with a very real  "me" that no one really knows.

Honestly, I am a mess. I am 43 years old with screwed up hormones, an empty nest, an identity crisis, and a sack of stories I am afraid to tell for fear of the back-lash. I have spent so many years trying to say and do the acceptable things so that no one would "talk" about me, but I found out they talked about me anyway. I have worried when it seemed some people did not like or accept me no matter what I did, and then I realized I didn't really like the ones I was worried about that much anyway.

I know you aren't supposed to not like people, and I know people say you can love them but you don't have to like them. That is a bunch of bull. It is terribly difficult to love someone you do not like, so stop trying to be so spiritual about it.  Maybe it isn't about liking or not liking people as much as realizing who you should and should not let have serious influence in your life. Maybe just maybe it is ok to have different levels of relationships in your life with different people. Maybe it is ok to have boundaries and to make choices on who to allow on the property of your life.

So this is me trying to just be me. Love me, like me, hate me, reject me; that is up to you. I need to be myself regardless of the outcome. I have to start loving me. I have to start accepting me. It ultimately doesn't matter if anyone else does.