Validation

Validation

It is a powerful concept.

How much of what we say and do feeds on validation?

Do you post on social media and then wait patiently not so patiently for those notifications to roll in of likes and comments? Do you get upset when there aren't any or even worse, someone disagrees with you or your opinion?

We live in a technological age that is allowing us to share intentionally, and sometimes unintentionally, our opinions in a very large crowded room. This can be a very uncomfortable feeling.

Most of us have grown up with a very small audience to our opinions. Sure, our brothers and sisters disagreed with us, but we fought and moved on. We've disagreed with our parents, but hey they gave birth to us so we give them the benefit of the doubt. Friends, well we tend to keep the ones that agree and toss the ones that don't. That is unless we really like them, then we overlook some things.

But the internet ... it's a very large room full of strangers and not so strangers.

You like an article or post a status. It pops up in someone's feed and they don't like it. (Read, they don't like me.) Or they leave a comment. Quick check! are they agreeing or disagreeing? OH NO, they disagree! If it's someone we know they may lecture us on how wrong we are for "agreeing" with such a thing. If it's someone we don't know they may tell us all the reasons we are wrong and call us a "douche-canoe" (or some other fun insult).

Invalidated.

Depressed.

Angry.

Unsettled.

Pick one or make up your own. It happens to us all at some point.

Guess what? Your opinion is just that, your's. You can have it. You don't need anyone to agree with it. Agreement is not necessary for validation. You are a person. You have a brain and a heart. You are valid. Did you hear me?

YOU ARE VALID! 

Your opinion may be right. Your opinion may be wrong. It does not change your validation status.  If you believe something, have the courage and conviction to not need everyone else's agreement. You do not need everyone to tell you are OK or right. If you do, then it is time to really reevaluate what you believe.

Maybe it's time for an opinion check. Do a little research. Hear some people out on why they feel the way they do. Pray. Read. Sit quietly with yourself and figure out who you are and why you believe the things you do. You may just find that validation you searched so hard for in other people's approval when you finally approve of yourself.

50 Shades of Indignation

I am filled with indignation today. It is probably not for the reasons you have imagined.

I have spent the last few days reading blogs, comments, diatribes, and arguments over the 50 Shades of Grey movie and book series. And to be honest, I am ticked.

It seems to me that people are very quick to come to the rescue of Anastasia, a fictional character by the way. Equally, they are desperate to save the masses from themselves or some would be abuser like their view of Mr Grey, also fictional.

I have one or maybe several questions. Where are these impassioned, enraged people when a real person tries to get help? What do they say or do when a woman comes to them with concerns over the manipulation and abusiveness of a boyfriend, husband, brother, co-worker, or even father? Are they so quick to take up the fight for real people with real faces and real names?

My experience says no, they are hiding behind their computers, desks, and pulpits. The only words they have are platitudes, misunderstood scripture and promises of "I'll pray for you". They are not quick to take up the fight because it scares the pants off of them.

And why would't it? Normal sex has been too scary to talk about, perverted sex even worse.

I'll be honest, I have not read the 50 Shades books. I haven't seen the movie. I will probably never will because I am not into bondage. It's not my cup of tea, but I refuse to criticize something I have not even cracked the cover of.

I, however, have been privy to someone's blank stare, change of subject, accusation of lying, or even an accusation of "initiating it". I have had people come to me with similar experiences, I have been told to just forgive and forget; you know because the Bible says to "Honor your father". I have seen a woman in an outright abusive relationship be told to stay because "God hates divorce". I seen people left abandoned and helpless because others just didn't know what to do and they didn't want to get involved.

You know what? bad stuff happens. Most people who have been or are being abused just want to be validated and protected. Their identities are being stripped away along with their self-worth. Don't become another one of their abusers.

It is high time we stop sending our impassioned pleas out into cyberspace! Those words are lost on nameless, faceless causes. Real people need real help. You won't have to go looking for someone to help, you probably already know someone going through something. When they decide to talk to you....LISTEN. That is the number one best thing you can do. People need to be heard and if they are being abused they are not being heard. They need you to hear them. I needed someone to hear me.

I finally got help, not from my abuser or my accusers, but from a few that were willing to listen and walk with me through a very dark emotional and spiritual healing. Hurting people do not need platitudes. They do not need your opinion. They need to be heard. They need to be understood. It will be rough. But,however rough it is for you, it is worse for the hurting one.

If you believe this movie/book is going to hurt a generation then my advice to you is to get ready. Do not make the mistakes of past, be they your own or the Church's. Be ready to listen and to help where help is wanted. Be quick to hear the Lord and not your opinion. The Church must become a healing balm and not a whip. We must become a healing hospital and not a jail house. We must become a healing liberator and not a court room.

Do not be distracted by the sound of your own voice. Do not be lured by cyberspace protesting. Do not get caught up in the frenzy of social media. Find yourself active where you feet touch the earth and your voice can be heard by open ears. Exchange your pleas to the masses for compassion and understand for the individual.

Remember, someone needs you to be even more impassioned for their issue than the masses do for your opinion of 50 Shades of Grey.

PS in case you don't already know, this applies to men as well as women. Women are not the only people getting abused.

Love me, Like me, Hate me, Reject me

I started this blog months ago with visions of writing all of my thoughts and wise words to share with the world only to realize my huge fear of letting anyone in to see the real me.

I am not a neat little package all wrapped up with a bow. My paper tears, wrinkles, and sometimes runs short. Bow...what bow? it must have fallen of in the car.

I am not the prim and proper little girl with a frilly, lacy dress and good manners. Frilly, lacy dresses ITCH and good manners tend to be for someone trying to sell you something while trying to make you feel warm and fuzzy.

I am not the sophisticated, well-spoken, demure woman of God I thought I should be. I have challenging questions, thoughts and revelations that make me and everyone else uncomfortable. I have said 'crap" from the pulpit in church, and people are lucky I didn't say worse.  I love God and He loves me, but we sometimes have words and it's not always pretty.

I can be all of the above things if I have to be, but it is hard work that ends up leaving me feeling tired, empty and alone with a very real  "me" that no one really knows.

Honestly, I am a mess. I am 43 years old with screwed up hormones, an empty nest, an identity crisis, and a sack of stories I am afraid to tell for fear of the back-lash. I have spent so many years trying to say and do the acceptable things so that no one would "talk" about me, but I found out they talked about me anyway. I have worried when it seemed some people did not like or accept me no matter what I did, and then I realized I didn't really like the ones I was worried about that much anyway.

I know you aren't supposed to not like people, and I know people say you can love them but you don't have to like them. That is a bunch of bull. It is terribly difficult to love someone you do not like, so stop trying to be so spiritual about it.  Maybe it isn't about liking or not liking people as much as realizing who you should and should not let have serious influence in your life. Maybe just maybe it is ok to have different levels of relationships in your life with different people. Maybe it is ok to have boundaries and to make choices on who to allow on the property of your life.

So this is me trying to just be me. Love me, like me, hate me, reject me; that is up to you. I need to be myself regardless of the outcome. I have to start loving me. I have to start accepting me. It ultimately doesn't matter if anyone else does.